I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
