By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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