remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
