If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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