I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
