Soap is not a condiment
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
