My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
