Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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