I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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