the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
