Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
