Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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