Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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