big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
