I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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