oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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