I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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