i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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