yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
