I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
