you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
