Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
