When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Two words: blizzard sex
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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