Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
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For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
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It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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