You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
