Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
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he quoted the bible to break up with me
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
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I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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