hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
