I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
