things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
