I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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