Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
