your thong is hanging out like whoa
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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