I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
