I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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