look no pants
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
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I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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