When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
