why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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