Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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