my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My feet surprised me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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