I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
