I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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