The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
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I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
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Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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