bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i wish my penis had a tongue
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
