i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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