can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
It's just like the Real World with babies
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
