i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
