Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
