good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
they need to just BURY HIM!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
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Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
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I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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