He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
