It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
