We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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