If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
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New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize