Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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