so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
