who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
