I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
