At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
