i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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